So, last Saturday Mitch and Kevin and I went to see Lilly Tomlin. We sat all they way to the right, but we were in the front row. This was Kevin's christmas present to me and Mitch. It was amazing. Lilly is hilarious, still. She's like 70 years old, but she's still vital and vigorous, and she looks great. But that's not what this is about.
This is about how as we were walking back to the parking garage, back to the car, we stopped on a street corner, waiting for the light to change. I suppose we could have jaywalked, but we were dressed nicely, like respectable citizens. Also on the corner waiting were other respectable citizens.
There was a panhandler there too. He didn't seem crazy or drug-addled or drunk. He was just dirty and frayed. He had with him a cardboard sign and a backpack and a dog. It was a large dog, a Saint Bernard, maybe?
I made eye contact with the man, briefly. When I see a street person, sometimes I force myself to make eye contact because I feel like acknowledging them as human being is the least I can do. I looked at the man, then at the dog, then back at the man and his sign. The sign had only a few words on it, but I didn't read it. I have no idea what the sign said. I looked at the people on the far corner and the light indicating when it was time to cross. No one else acknowledged the man.
The man asked the group of us strangers standing on the corner for some money. His voice was loud and hard. The force of it startled me a little bit. I shrugged my shoulders and mumbled an apology, mostly to myself I think because I felt guilty. Whenever this happens to me I wonder if guilt is the appropriate response, if I really have cause to feel guilty, if it's wrong to do nothing. I wonder why I feel guilt. Whenever this happens to me I wonder if because of the privilege I was born with, I am obligated to action.
The light changed. As we crossed the man called after us, Enjoy drinking and being merry while I starve!
I wanted to turn around and hold my middle finger aloft. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself. I wanted to tell him, Then eat your fucking dog. I was overcome with the urge to be cruel, and I don't know why. This was the thing I remember most clearly about that night.
